Chem. lab

Relationship-wise I’ve been through a dry spell of late.
I find myself having to resort to hook-ups for sex; but they are solely that -with people I wouldn’t commit anything to other than a ride back home. It’s not my idea of dating but it’s safe sex and with people I know. Friends with benefits if you will.

Conceding that I’m still getting some- my current choice of fuck buddies puts me in a dismal cycle of introspection that I don’t want to meander through.

In a room full of prospects, with boys and girls with the appropriate check marks why is it that noone catches my interest? There is attraction doesn’t go beyond a few words of converstion or a meeting or two at most.
Where is that zing, that hazy warmth or is that something I made up about past love and romance?

I’m gorgeous, bright and unattached and sometimes terribly lonely. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a while and I miss the companionship.
I miss the fitting, the unsaid understanding, the combining of opposite energies, the sex with someone you care for.

I know I’ve hit some kind of wall when after numerous outings and pick-up lines, I’d much rather be at home with my dogs. Jaded isn’t a feeling I enjoy- this cannot be as good as it gets.

monsoon of gratification

Compulsive behavior is inordinately  satisfying. I sink into familiar modes of action. It’s easy to do without thinking, to act without hearing all the voices in my head. To stop the analysis and give-in to a part that is also you.

We do some things consciously and some unconsciously. An omnipresent pattern in your food habits, approach to dating, approach to people and in the execution of tasks.

It would be lying, cheating, sexual games, procrastinating, gluttony, the games we play while dating and mating; it’s guiltless because there’s no need to explain yourself to yourself. The answer was just because I wanted to. Nothing beats the silence of a guilt free mind.

The desires that refuse to leave us are fragments of primary instinct, related but in a warped way. The need to sleep, desire for food, progeny and the fear of death define our lives every day. But in a world where our senses are continually stimulated – the links between sensory perception and gratification are out of synch and we find it hard to tune into the natural cadence of the body and mind.

It’s comforting and familiar to act a certain way, even if you know it’s going to turn out the same old way. Is an intervention needed? Analogous to madness, if you want things to turn out differently , you’ll have to do things differently or do different things. And on the flip side if it works, why fix it?

Comparison seems entirely unnecessary. Some people have innately healthier fall-back patterns. Does it matter?  My vices are my own and there is immense satisfaction to be had in owning them.

The babel mutes to a soft murmur as I roll up the window  to an ever-engaging present. I slip back no matter how much I’ve dissected and analysed, how to my detriment it can be to repeat a pattern. This hues of this desire colour my world, I know they will inevitably set. But for now I am happy and alight. The dormant parts of me, parts that I sometimes don’t allow will enjoy this rain while it lasts.

Contrary.mp3

“listlessness, flat lining and anger.

Anger consumes me ; I feel like I’m at a crossroad. One started out doing yoga, fingers pointed thinking of all the people I could change. Instead it gives you a reality check of how coloured your perception of the world is.

And so you realise ‘the project’ is you and you don’t feel all that revolutionary after all. More like someone returning from rehab in a world that’s still allowed to drink.

You look forward to the company of dogs and strangers because you make no sense to the people around you.

physical activity works as a balm to your fevered mind.

You look forward to days when it rain’s.”